My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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