College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
