I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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