I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
