Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
