also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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