He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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