I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
