a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
