She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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