Apparently you make a good broom.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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