need another drink. this is the easiest way
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
