"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
