I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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