Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
