Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
