I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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