so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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