the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
