Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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