I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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