My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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