I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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