Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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