Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
