I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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