at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i think i have two assholes
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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