Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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