wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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