Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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