He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
