I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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