I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize