I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
PANTIES FOUND
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
