i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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