dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
