My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize