i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
