My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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