I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize