For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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