allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
