watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
