I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
