My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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