Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
