i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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