I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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