Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
