My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Say something about gay babies.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
