What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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