remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
