i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
