Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
