you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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