Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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