I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
