Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
