If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize