Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
