some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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