She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize